Hope

Hope

I taunt myself sometimes,

With the hope that I could have a normal life.

Dress up, go out, converse, fake a smile,

Shatters, crumbles around me, no longer meant to be.

In the deepest recesses of my haunted mind,

There's a dream, a longing, that is still alive.

But it is much fainter, much paler, than in days before,

Will it continue to dim, til it is no more?

Surely something better waits for me,

The object of my yearning, that's alive in my dream.

At times, I reach to grasp it, often timidly,

Beyond my boundaries, but perhaps soon won't be.

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I live with a chronic illness called "Gastroparesis." It is basically paralysis of the stomach, and it means that I cannot eat normally. Many in my community can no longer eat at all. "GP" is a digestive/motility disorder in which the stomach muscles, controlled by the Vagus nerve, fail to contract and move food from the stomach into the intestines at the proper rate.  Under normal conditions, the stomach stores food only long enough for it to be ground down into small pieces by contracting stomach muscles.  This food is then emptied into the small intestine and passes through the digestive system.  

This process is slowed in those afflicted with gastroparesis, resulting in food being “stored” in the stomach for an abnormally long period of time.  This slowing of the stomach emptying process can cause those afflicted to experience debilitating stomach/abdominal pain, bloating, nausea, vomiting, heartburn/GERD, and early satiety and can lead to serious complications such as malnourishment, dehydration, extreme weight loss, esophageal damage, bezoars, and overwhelming fatigue.  

Gastroparesis can result in severe malnutrition, weight loss, extreme stomach and abdominal pain, and a whole host of other symptoms. It can be a difficult illness to manage. There is no cure, and there are very few reliable, effective treatments.  The treatments that are available to us come with serious risks and side effects and are often not covered by insurance.

We fight to survive, to keep hope alive, and to have some semblance of a "normal" life. This is the only poem I have ever written, so please forgive me if it is a bit "rough around the edges."